That First Step

Quite often when I try to describe who I am I get stuck, writers block sets in and I find myself bogged down by so many thoughts, thoughts stuck inside my head that cannot get out. I try and try and I write down meaningless words, then I scribble them out and try to write again. When I first started doing the Blogging 101 course, the first class was “Who are you and why are you here?”IMG_1120

Well I know why I’m here and I enjoy being on the word press blogging site and I enjoy sharing my thoughts and photos with you. Who am I? I am a mother, I have four children who I raised on my own. But that isn’t who I am. I am a grandparent to two beautiful little girls, but that still isn’t who I am. I am a sister, friend, confidante, daughter, granddaughter and counsellor. Still not who I am.

In the bare light of the bulb that bares my soul – I am a very lonely, confused person, I suffer with depression, with such mixed thoughts, I am so unkind to myself and I always think the worst of myself and judge myself so badly. The imaginary conversations inside my head are so bad, “what if I hadn’t said that?” “why did I say that?” “I wonder what they think of me?” “I think they hate me.” All these negative thoughts run through my head, torturing me, driving me crazy. I sleep badly as a result of all these negative thoughts, and it’s such a vicious circle.IMG_1223

I have depression so I feel bad about myself and judge myself harshly. Then I go to bed and cannot sleep because the thoughts won’t let me sleep. Then I wake up tired and grumpy because I have had a poor sleep and the thoughts haven’t gone away. And the cycle goes on.

I went to meet Liz in Melbourne yesterday – you can read that post here https://camerapentravel.wordpress.com/2015/11/20/trip-to-melbourne . Oh dang it that’s not the link. You have to copy and paste that link, hang on let me see if I can get the link again. Nope I am not sure how to create a linkable link yet. If you go to my posts you can read about my trip to Melbourne. Now let me focus otherwise I am back to digressing again.

So when I travelled to Melbourne by train to meet Liz my anxiety was low. I worked in Melbourne so I have commuted between Geelong and Melbourne before. Then I needed to get to Flinders Street station. So I walked along the station platform towards the local trains – the met trains I think they are called. I missed one train to Flinders Street on one platform – next train – 15 minutes. That’s okay I went up the escalator to the next platform – there was a train in about 4 minutes that would take me to Flinders Street – anxiety level still low.

I got to Flinders Street station, walked up the escalator and out into a street – not Flinders Street. I searched frantically through my bag as I couldn’t see my mobile phone – anxiety level notched up. Phew I found my phone. Then I typed 253 Flinders Street into my phone map app and walked along Flinders Street, after a left turn into Flinders Street off the other street. In my short moment of anxiety I had typed the wrong address into my phone app. It was actually Flinders Lane not Flinders Street.

So I walked up Flinders Street for about ten minutes and then I went “no I am lost, going the wrong way, something is not right here”. So I went into a book store and asked a lovely, friendly lady where the City Library is. She was so helpful and even wrote me a little map to direct me to the City Library. Stress and anxiety started to go down again. I retraced my steps, following the directions. I found Flinders Lane and found the City Library. I had only been five minutes away from the library when I got off the train at Flinders Street Station.IMG_0980

I found the library and was seated at a table at 10.50. Ten minutes before I was due to meet Liz. I did sit at the wrong restaurant as there are two restaurants in the one building. The library is amazing by the way and I will probably go back and write a blog about it. Liz came and found me and we sat down, as you know, and shared two hours of chatting, getting to know each other, sharing ideas, laughing, it was a great meeting and so worthwhile for both of us.

Now back to my title. That first step. I said to Liz “you know I almost didn’t come today. I find that first step out the door the hardest step to take.” It is just so easy to curl up in the foetal position, stay in my pyjamas and not go out. Look at all that stress! Look at all those challenges I face. I am so glad that I went to meet Liz. I got so much out of it. However I often find any excuse I can think of – to stay home, to not leave, to not open the door, to take that first step.IMG_0967

This post is probably a lot closer to who I am than my blogging 101 post from my classes. Thank you for reading my post. I don’t need sympathy. I am not unwell, sick, unhappy. I just sometimes let my depression rule my life and when I overcome it like I did on Friday, I feel so good about myself and my life is a bit better.

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17 thoughts on “That First Step

  1. It’s probably not the kind of blog to leave a comment on. No comment required if you don’t want to . What have you been writing about? How is the weather? We are experiencing hot and cold days, one after the other or both kinds of weather on the same day. Is it still snowing where you live? Oh and thank you for still being here.

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    1. Our winter arrived with three inches of snow and high winds. I live in the extreme north west corner of Minnesota. Just wrote a new short blog, “Turn here, turn here”. I thought the photo was great but that is just one opinion. I sometime feel no one is out there.
      Blogging is a singular activity.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love reading your posts! They are so sincere. I just wanted to tell you that, although you may find it creepy, I feel the same things. Like really. I’ve tried to get help but it didn’t really work. But I am fine, because I still have the wits to tell myself I should be. And I admire you for raising your children alone. Mothers are the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Helly Meyan If you ever need to talk please let me know. I am not very good at sorting out my own problems, however I am a great listener and have very broad shoulders. I think we all carry burdens in our lives and sometimes the load gets very heavy. I don’t find it creepy that you follow me or like my posts. I find it a great compliment. I really enjoy being in this community of word press bloggers and I have already met some amazing people.

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      1. It does get a bit heavy right? I smile a lot, which I think has helped me tremendously all these years. Nobody knows I am not well, except one friend I trust. It can be difficult and to be honest I am scared most of the time.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Peter Draper
      I will keep on writing I promise. As for thinking, it is very hard to turn off that inner voice. It torments me so. I do enjoy writing and I am really enjoying the interaction with so many wonderful, inspiring, encouraging people here on word press. Thank you for your supportive comment. Cheers from Cassie

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      1. Hi Cassie. When I was a boy I bought a book on yoga back in the early 1960’s. I found that simple meditation calmed my own inner voices down quite a lot. Only many years later did I read the purpose of yoga, and it is exactly what you wish for (badly translated here in Wikipedia): “Yoga is the inhibition of the modifications of the mind” (See second yoga sutra of Patanjali). All the best.

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  3. Strange that you say that as I have just started to read up on yoga. I really think that I need something to calm or still my mind. I remembered a dream that I had – as I was driving out of my driveway I recalled the dream.
    It was about lots of gravel spread all around, on the road and elsewhere and I think I had to drive through it or over it.
    What made me recall the dream was the small patch of gravel spread at the end of my driveway, filling a small hole there. Goodnight. Off to bed soon. Sweet dreams.

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  4. Beautiful blog and so sincere. I don’t think you are alone in your feelings. Don’t worry about what others think. Take time to get to know yourself and love who you are.

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  5. It is great to go back and read some of the posts. I often write from the heart and when I let a bit of myself out, it is very gratifying to read some of the supportive words of my friends here on word press. Hope you are all well and keeping happy and sane during the silly seaon of Christmas.

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